Changes

Tags

divorce, Fawn Pender, name changes, senior citizens, single again

I have been uncharacteristically quiet this week.  Nothing bad has happened; I have just been settling into my new life as a single (twice divorced) person.  After being separated from my (now ex-) husband-who-lives-across-town for over 5 years, I thought I would hardly notice the difference.  But every time I write “Fawn Pender” on something, I am reminded that I made the right decision.

Monday was “change the name” day.  I visited the Social Security Administration Office (waited an hour outside in the cold before they opened), the Department of Motor Vehicles (another hour), and finally my local credit union.  All wanted to see the precious document that stated “restore my former (maiden) name”.  But now that part is done, although there are a myriad of other small places it must also be changed.  Any ideas on how to change a google email address that is my first initial and last name?

People along the way asked, “How long were you married?” and when I say 34 years they don’t know whether to be sad or happy for me.  In truth, the first 10 would probably have been enough; I am just very stubborn and don’t like to give up.  Sadly, my children would concur, and they were a big reason I stayed married all those years.

So today my footsteps are lighter, and I have decidedly less baggage to carry.  Life as a single senior woman is good.

Changes

Tags

challenge, compromise, divorce, marriage, negotiation

Five years ago today I awoke for the first time in my very own bed, in my brand-new duplex apartment.  Moving out was a difficult decision, but after 29 years of marriage it was a decision long overdue.

I spent two years in that sweet apartment, eating and sleeping and cleaning (or not) as I wished, with daily interruptions by my teaching job.  I was through with compromising and negotiating, and loved being independent.

Then my world was rearranged once more, and I moved from my little place into my daughter’s home.  Compromising and negotiating became absolutely necessary once more, as we discovered what did and did not work for the five of us sharing our lives in close quarters.  Thank goodness I’m a Libra and crave equilibrium…

It is time for another change, as next week I will file for dissolution of our now nearly 33 year marriage.  My husband-who-lives-across-town will morph into ex-husband #2; I hope our relationship can continue to be as positive as it has become (most of the time) over these past years.

My grieving was over long ago, but I would be foolish to think that this huge change won’t take a certain amount of adjustment.  I look forward to being single again, knowing what I do now, and will go forward with enthusiasm for whatever comes my way.

Juxtaposition

Tags

childbirth, divorce, documents, Joseph James Kawasaki, juxtaposition, That Woman

That Woman came to visit today, and did a pretty good job of rearranging and sorting through huge piles of “stuff” in my bedroom.  In the process, she discovered an unlikely set of papers clipped together in a pile of files.  The top document was the Final Judgment of Dissolution of my first marriage, dated April 10, 1978.   Next came the Final Judgment of Dissolution of my husband-who-lives-across-town’s first marriage, dated December 29, 1978.  I’m not quite sure why I have it, and he doesn’t, but I usually was the file queen.

The third pair of documents were the admissions and consent forms for my entry into Fresno Community Hospital at 2:00 a.m. on April 15, 1973, to have Joseph.  The doctors had assured us that babies very rarely send their parents to the hospital in the middle of the night, but ours certainly did.  He took his own sweet time arriving, too, not showing up until noon. But he was definitely worth the wait!

Ken with baby Joseph, our first day home. April 16, 1973.

The only rhyme or reason I can find for the juxtaposition of the documents is that they all impacted our lives in one way or another, and are deserving of being kept. They are now safely in the drawer with our wills and insurance policies

FAQs

Tags

divorce, FAQ, long marriages, MediCare, separation, Social Security Administration

As you may remember, I recently received my Medicare card in the mail. It wasn’t really a surprise, yet I wasn’t really prepared for it, either. In the month or so since it arrived, I have thought off and on about looking into Medi-Gap or Prescription Drug plans, but I haven’t done anything concrete.

Then yesterday my husband-who-lives-across-town came up with a question for consideration: When the law changed many years back and California teachers were allowed to be covered by Medicare, he opted out of having deductions taken, because he would be eligible as my spouse. (The standard advice at that time was “why pay for it twice if you don’t have to?”) So if we are no longer married, is he still eligible? By Social Security’s rules, an ex-spouse of a marriage “of long duration” (ten years or more) can collect Social Security benefits based on their other half’s record, even though they are divorced. Does Medicare work the same way?

I went searching for the answer tonight on the Medicare.gov website. I found lots of answers, but none fit my questions. I reviewed the FAQs inside, outside, and upside down, but found nothing useful. (Although there are certainly enough choices in questions!) In typical FAQ fashion, they answered everything but what I needed to know!

I can’t really fault the SSA for their inadequate questions. My question is certainly not typical; my guess is there aren’t too many couples living apart as long as we have who are considering staying married to make sure both parties are insured. (It occurs to me that in some ways we are better partners now than we were under the same roof for so long.)

Tomorrow I will have to talk to a human.

In Praise of Solitude

Tags

divorce, family, garden, grandchildren, ritual, solitude

When my marriage ended several years ago, I had my first opportunity to live entirely by myself.  After living with others for 60+ years, I expected to miss their presence.  Instead, I was amazed at the peace of living alone.   I have always enjoyed my own company, but when living with family I had to carve out special places and times for myself.  After my move, the opposite was true.

Solo meals became small celebrations.  A cup of tea out in the garden brought more than just fresh air and sunshine.  I discovered a few brave toads who were nearly as curious about me as I was about them.  I ate tomatoes straight off the vine as I tended my very special organic veggies.  In the cooler days of summer I actually put on my swimsuit and lay out in the sun (with a book, of course). Having peace and quiet was effortless.

When my granddaughters would come to visit, we would bring out so many special toys, books, and treats that they would always have to go home before we were through playing.  I was so blessed to have them barely a mile down the road, and we saw each other often.

Last year I decided to join forces with my daughter, son-in-law, and granddaughters — for economic as well as child-care reasons.  So I am back living in a family again, and solitude is once more a rare commodity.  This morning everyone else slept in, and I quietly slipped into the kitchen, made a cup of tea, and settled down on the couch to read.  It was unexpected, unstructured, and joyous.

An hour or so later Olivia awoke, ran into the living room with her bright and shiny smile and her favorite stuffed puppy, and snuggled up in my lap.  I had been alone long enough…it was time again to join the family.